Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You Might Also Like
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
True freaking story!
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.