ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.