Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’