I’m listening
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not