[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
So glad we cleared that up
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.