I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hitlers gonna hitl
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.