[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
You Might Also Like
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”