if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
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OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.