Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins