Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
No, YOUR illiterate.
True
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Tremendous stuff
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.