My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
favorite tropes as memes
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
huge valentines day plans this year!!
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Need WebMD
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Optional boss fight.