Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.