Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.