Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.