A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Why is no one talking about this?!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.