I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…