me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.