Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I feel this so hard
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
it’s either covid or clever vampires
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Breaking news:
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Help Wanted
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Natty or not?