That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.