bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.