Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.