I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
something like this could probably happen to anyone
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Seems legit
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.