Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.