[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
some things should go without saying
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.