[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Ok, but like, how married are you?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age