*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”