warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid