[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You Might Also Like
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.