He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
mechanics be like
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to