WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators