valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Bill is short for Billiam
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.