Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
You Might Also Like
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Not messing around
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang