My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?