They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
a badder mouse
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290