Childbirth is so beautiful
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
This is me 🤣🤣
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat