I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
my one true gender
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half