Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Venn
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*