Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I beg your pardon?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player