a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You Might Also Like
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Bringing home a sharpie
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*