My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
It’s a gift
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.