[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
A roof is a house hat.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Lmao 🤣
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow