Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.