Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.