Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American