HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
You Might Also Like
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
LOOOOOOL
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it