Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want