Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive