ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
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secret recipe
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.