My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You sure about that?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.