When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
and now we wait
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.